The mere idea of setting boundaries to most codependents is daunting, and can leave us with a headache, stomach ache, multiple reasons to avoid setting them, PERIOD. Sound familiar?
Well tonight’s meeting explored setting boundaries and why they are important. This is the last meeting I will utilize the book, “Codependency for Dummies” by Darlene Lancer. It has been a helpful introduction to the amazing tools she offers her readers, and was my motivation for sharing it again with you.
Some key things we took away from the meeting were:
1- Setting Boundaries feels confrontational aka RUN TO THE HILLS...right? It doesn’t have to be. We have confrontations all the time, and as my husband uses the line from an old movie, “But did you DIE?”, well of course not but setting them is scary. PRACTICE over and over, the fear will dissolve and you will wonder why you avoided it for so long...until then may your boundary muscles be strong.
2- Boundaries protect us and keep us safe.- without them you may feel hurt, resentful, attacked, feel like withdrawing and none of that sounds good to me, does it to you?
3- Boundaries indicate self-respect and respect for others.- setting them shows you are taking responsibility for yourself, also showing others that you care for yourself in healthy ways.
4- When you prove to yourself that you can master the word NO and fully understand that it is a complete sentence...then your YES’s will have more meaning and will be in line with your authentic self...that is right...this is part of the process of finding your authentic self, set the boundaries my friends.
5- An indication that you may need to set a boundary: when you feel frightened, smothered, angry, low-self esteem, depressed, or resentful. The two questions you should consider are; did someone cross my boundary? Did I cross someones boundary? Fear or anger means you may need to take an action to protect yourself or correct something.
6- You may need to set limits with YOURSELF- When you start to blame someone else, ask yourself whether you need to set a boundary concerning that person’s behavior or your own. Are you working too much, scrolling too much, eating too much? There are many ways we check out to avoid feeling our feelings and or taking action.
7- You get TWO immediate benefits from setting boundaries: You get the behavior you want...or the result you need. You get the boost to your self-esteem by honoring your needs and feelings and STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. This is where we get the saying, “finding your voice”...this is how we find it.
Tips from the Book:
Practice saying “NO” once a day for a week...remember its a complete sentence.
Practice NOT answering questions about your boundary setting...you set them there is no need to explain.
Hope you enjoyed the meeting and the new format for Power Point Meetings so everyone can read along and share in the online meeting. I have LOTS of good things I finally have the time to work on so please bear with me. I am designing two websites, one of which is the Mens Group being run by my husband. (Men Empowering Men CoDA of The Woodlands) I am so excited for the men in this group....if you need details hit me up.
Have a great week ladies!