How to Set Healthy Goals While Grieving: A Compassionate Path Through the Fog

Grief doesn’t show up with a roadmap. It arrives uninvited, crashes into your routines, and rearranges everything that once made sense. In the weeks and months that follow, even the idea of moving forward can feel like betrayal—or at best, too heavy to carry. And yet, there’s this whisper from within that maybe, just maybe, you want to feel grounded again. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Setting goals while grieving isn’t about productivity or self-improvement. It’s about survival. It’s about reclaiming pieces of yourself through the ache. If you're in this place, I want to offer something gentle: a framework for holding yourself through it. Not with pressure. With permission.

Redefine What Progress Looks Like

Forget everything you’ve ever heard about five-year plans or crushing it before sunrise. When you're grieving, progress becomes quiet, internal, and often invisible to everyone else. Maybe it's making it through the day without breaking down in the grocery store. Maybe it's just taking a shower. These are not small things—they are milestones in a world that feels unrecognizable. The most important shift you can make is this: progress isn’t linear, and it’s not always forward. Some days will be soft, others will undo you. That’s still progress, even when it doesn’t look like it.

Choose Anchor Goals

Of all the unexpected shifts that come with grief, perhaps the most jarring is how it reframes time. You start to wonder if you’ve been spending your energy in the right places. For many, that tug becomes a call to pursue the career path they’ve long put off. One way to take that longing seriously is by going back to school. Online degree programs offer the flexibility to learn on your terms—whether you’re holding down a full-time job, parenting solo, or just managing the invisible weight of mourning. When exploring schools, make sure to look for accreditation and compare tuition rates to avoid unnecessary debt. If you're interested in a career pivot toward technology, pay attention to the curriculum in IT masters programs—some offer specialized tracks that can fast-track you into roles in cybersecurity, data analytics, or cloud computing.

Honor the Loss Through Your Goals

This might sound counterintuitive, but the most healing goals often include space for the grief itself. Instead of avoiding the pain, find ways to honor who or what you’ve lost. That could mean writing a letter each month to the person who’s gone, cooking their favorite meal, or planting something in their name. When your goals acknowledge the love that lingers, they stop being to-do items and start becoming rituals. And rituals, especially the self-created kind, can give shape to the shapeless parts of mourning.

Lean Into Rhythms, Not Routines

You’ve probably heard advice like “stick to a routine,” but when grief enters the picture, even brushing your teeth can feel like a mountain. Instead of rigid schedules, think in rhythms. Ask yourself: what time of day do I usually feel the most heavy? The most light? Use those answers to shape your energy, not control it. Maybe mornings are for quiet and journaling, afternoons for walking or tending to something tactile, evenings for connecting or cocooning. Grief doesn’t respect time slots, but it does respond to compassion. Give your day a rhythm that reflects where you are, not where you think you should be.

Track Feelings, Not Just Tasks

If you’re the type who finds solace in checklists, that’s fine. But try balancing the external goals with internal ones. What did that walk do for your heart? How did it feel to call your cousin, even if it ended in tears? Keeping a feelings journal alongside your to-dos adds emotional context to your progress. Over time, you’ll start to notice patterns. Maybe Thursday is always a hard day. Maybe music opens a door you didn’t know was still locked. Those aren’t just feelings. They’re signposts—data from your inner world that can inform how you move forward.

Let Others Hold You Accountable—Gently

Accountability can be a double-edged sword during grief. You don’t need someone to check your progress like a boss. You need someone who can witness your process like a friend. Invite someone you trust to walk with you in this—figuratively or literally. Share your anchor goals with them. Let them know you may disappear sometimes, and that’s part of the plan. You’re not reporting to them. You’re letting them see you as you are: raw, brave, unsure. That kind of accountability doesn’t push. It protects.

Create Space for Joy Without Guilt

Perhaps the most radical goal of all in grief is allowing yourself moments of joy. You might laugh one day and feel that immediate sting of betrayal—how dare I feel good when they’re gone? But joy isn’t the opposite of grief. It’s proof that love still lives in you. Make room for small joys, even if they’re fleeting. A warm bagel. A song you forgot you loved. A moment of sunlight on your face. Make it a goal to notice them. Not to chase them or perform them. Just to notice. That’s enough.

Grief has no expiration date, no final stage where you suddenly “move on.” What it does have is movement. Your goals while grieving won’t look like anyone else’s, and they shouldn’t. You are allowed to write your own rules, change them, and start over as often as you need.

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Written for Next Step & Women Empowering Women by Sharon Wagner