Codependency
Our codependent behaviors are modeled for us by someone else in various capacities. Typically, a primary person in our life who we have had a close relationship with has codependent behaviors with us, teaching us that this is the way love is supposed to look. Oftentimes, codependency is born out of a household where abuse, neglect, addiction, or alcoholism play a primary role in family dynamics. To be seen, be heard, be loved, be noticed, feel important, or try to navigate the pain of abuse, we develop codependent behaviors. We care, we people please, and we put our needs beneath someone else’s, all the while losing our sense of self-worth and the foundation of our identity.
Why Codependent Behavior Continues
If our codependent behaviors cause us pain and turmoil or lead to problematic relationships, shouldn't we be able to identify and address these issues? Our understanding of how to relate to ourselves and others is shaped by what we learn to be "normal." We may not know any other way to engage in a healthy relationship. Furthermore, we might not recognize that we deserve better treatment. As the saying goes, we accept the love we believe we deserve. Without the belief that we are worthy of a different kind of love or relationship and without knowledge of alternatives, we lack the awareness to recognize that our dynamics need to change.
Common Codependent Behaviors
How codependency manifests will differ depending on our personality, personal experiences, and relationships. Common codependent behaviors can include:
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Manipulation
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Emotional bullying
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Caretaking to the detriment of our wellness
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Caregiving
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Suffocating
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People-pleasing (ignoring your own needs, then getting frustrated or angry)
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Obsession with a partner
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Excusing harmful or abusive behavior
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Feeling like you need to change but cannot
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Not knowing who you are without them
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Having a hard time setting boundaries
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Spending all of your time with or focused on them
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An overwhelming fear of being abandoned
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Being unable to think about life without the other person
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Being unable to believe or accept that someone loves you
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Having your partner or one person as your only close relationship
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A need for constant assurance
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Making excuses for each other
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Giving up what matters to you or makes you happy
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An inability to remember how to be alone
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Tolerating harmful behavior
Changed Behavior Changes Your Life
Codependency may seem challenging, but there are effective solutions. Many books explore personal experiences, struggles, and recoveries related to codependency. A crucial part of recovery is redefining the role others play in our lives, which might involve faith or finding a new purpose. By changing codependent behaviors, we can improve how we live, interact, and relate to ourselves. Understanding our needs and desires is essential, and establishing healthy boundaries helps us define what we will and won't tolerate in our relationships. most importantly, how we relate to ourselves.
First, we know ourselves by looking at our needs, wants, and desires. Developing a basic understanding of who we are as individuals enables us to take action to nurture these small parts of ourselves through boundaries. Healthy boundaries are the firm lines we draw between ourselves and others, demonstrating what we are both willing and unwilling to tolerate.
Self-care for Codependency
Outside of our relationship with others, we can foster a relationship with ourselves through self-care. Spending time alone, stepping out of our comfort zones, spending time with healthy friends, going to therapy, and engaging in prayer or meditation can help us build the love for ourselves that we were compulsively giving away. Some describe the journey of self-care in codependency recovery as tending to a toddler. Thinking about how we have been treated or treated others, we think about whether or not we would allow such treatment toward a young child. Most often, the answer is a resounding “No!” Thus, we embark on a journey of re-parenting the young child within us and showing ourselves all of the “perfect” love we have been missing. Nurturing a relationship with ourselves through self-care is essential. By spending time in solitude, stepping out of our comfort zones, surrounding ourselves with positive friends, seeking therapy, and engaging in prayer or meditation, we can rediscover the love we often give away to others.
Red Flags of Codependent Relationships
When it comes to codependent relationships, there are always red flags and warning signs abundant. The problem, however, is that both the parties involved are often so hurt and stuck in the traumas of their past that they don’t even realize they’re also trapping themselves in a toxic cycle of pain and abandonment.
The warning signs of a codependent relationship are always clear, but they’re not always heeded. If you or someone you know is manifesting one of these symptoms, they might be struggling with a codependent relationship.
Putting in the extra work.
One of the first signs of a codependent relationship is a gradual shifting of responsibilities into a one-sided affair. Slowly, one person will start filling in the gaps and taking on the other person's duties to stay connected or prove their worth. As the first partner pulls back their time, effort, love, or attention, the other partner instinctively gives more, picking up the pieces and committing to something that clearly shouldn’t work.
A loss of boundaries.
Often, a codependent person fails to grasp the importance of boundaries. As they compromise more and more of themselves, they begin to believe that this overgiving is what it takes to “make things work.” They start to view their boundaries as something that must be sacrificed on the altar of their partner’s happiness, and that leads to a codependent trap that’s hard to crawl out of.
A need to “fix” the other party.
While a codependent relationship can start out like a fairy tale, it soon descends into the unhealthy trap that we recognize all too well. Healthy relationships are formed when both parties mutually respect one another, but that isn’t the case in the codependent relationship. One partner always sees the need to “fix” the other party, and that’s a hill that isn’t worth dying on.
A loss of independence.
According to Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge, loss of independence is another warning sign of a codependent relationship. “In any relationship,” she told Business Insider, “it’s important to bond with your partner and maintain your own life. You don’t want to become so dependent on someone else that you lose who you are or that essence that makes you unique…when you’re doing things on your own, you become a more interesting, well-rounded person, thereby a better partner to anyone.”
A need to ask permission.
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship in which you feel as though you need to ask “permission” to do the things you want to do — you might be dealing with a codependent relationship. Being controlled by our partners or loved ones to this extent causes you to doubt yourself and your self-worth. Making autonomous choices is a part of the human experience that another person should never stifle.
Losing contact with important loved ones.
Relationships that cause us to lose touch with friends and family are toxic. Losing contact with those who are important is a sign that something isn’t right, and it’s often a sign that something sinister is brewing beneath the surface. Unmooring from the anchors in our lives can cause us to lose our sense of authentic self and undermine our strength and self-confidence.
Why codependent people stay (despite the warning signs).
There are a plethora of reasons people choose to stay in dysfunctional and codependent relationships, and those reasons can differ from case to case. There are, however, a few foundational reasons we stay in relationships that do more harm than good, and they range from childhood trauma to deep-seated insecurities.
#1- A delusional idea of love.
Those of us who grew up with Baby Boomer mothers will know the ins and outs of this codependent reasoning all too well. One of the biggest factors in staying in a toxic or codependent relationship is a powerful feeling of love and concern. The issue with this, however, is that this ideal of love is often a delusional one—based on romance and the idea of self-sacrifice as a noble exercise in superiority.
Most codependents picked up these delusional views of love and romance as children, where they saw love and abuse go commonly hand-in-hand. Over time, they came to internalize this type of behavior as commitment, causing them to expect abuse, manipulation, and all-around nastiness to be par for the relationship course.
Though they have valid concerns about what will happen to them, they cannot put their fears for themselves over their concern for their partner. They worry that if they separate themselves from their abusers, they will suffer harsh consequences or cause the other party to lose their own way. Over and over again, they rescue and enable out of a perceived sense of love or guilt, but they never get the real love they seek in return.
#2- Dreams of change.
Our hope is a powerful motivator. Many codependents dedicate themselves to a broken partner or ally because they believe in the hope that the other party can and will change with the right encouragement. They don’t see people as people—they see them as projects—and this is thanks to their overwhelming and often irrational sense of hope, which is always misdirected and always based on ideology rather than reality.
It’s hard to give up when you’ve invested a lot into someone, but it’s impossible to change other people — they must change themselves.
Every relationship (even dysfunctional ones) has its ups and downs. While the good memories can keep the hope alive, it’s important to embrace the reality of a toxic relationship with a radical sense of acceptance. Holding onto hope that your partner will change is no guarantee that they will or can. These dreams of change are often precisely what keep the codependent chained to a fantasy that can never exist.
#3- A sense of being overwhelmed.
Not all codependents stay out of a sense of fear, guilt, or even shame. Some codependent people find themselves stuck in relationships that are damaging simply because they are overwhelmed by the idea of seeing things.
Codependent relationships are high-stress and high-anxiety situations that can leave us strung out and struggling to function through our normal day-to-day tasks. This constant feeling of pressure can leave the codependent party in a constant state of overwhelm, making it impossible to seek outside help or even look within for some resolution.
#4- They’re being manipulated.
It’s no mistake that codependent person often finds themselves entangled with abusive, narcissistic, and even addicted people. These types know how to charm their victims at the outset, using it as a perfect cover for their dark and manipulative side. They are the kind of people who get what they want at any cost, and they see in the codependent a possibility of satisfying those desires.
Codependent people don’t always stick around because they want to. They often stick around because they’re being manipulated.
Narcissists and abusers have an uncanny way of making the C.D. person believe that the issues in the relationship or partnership are their fault. As things start to unwind, they slowly shift the brunt of the blame onto their partner, making them more dependent and undermining their sense of worth by maximizing existing feelings of guilt and shame.
#5- Feelings of fear.
For the codependent, fear is a regular bedfellow. Fear manifests in a C.D. person's life in several ways. They fear for their safety and also for the safety of their friends, family, and partners. They are told repeatedly that they aren’t good enough or are unworthy of love, so they fear being alone and unwanted forever.
The manipulator or abuser that finds themselves attached to a codependent person will use this fear to keep them trapped, compounding an already established sense of worthlessness that continues to grow and change over time. For many codependents, it’s this overwhelming sense of fear that keeps them stuck in a situation that is less than ideal. That fear can be impossible to overcome without some radical changes inside and out.
#6-Low self-esteem.
It will surprise no one that low self-esteem frequently contributes to the turbulent relationships of the codependent person.
Many codependent people grew up in dysfunctional homes in which physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse was common.
Because of this, they rise into adulthood with low self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness that often pervades other facets of their personalities. The more abuse they suffer over a lifetime, the more they believe they deserve this abuse. It’s a never-ending cycle of self-defeating and hopelessness that takes time (and much time to overcome.
#7- A sense of guilt.
The majority of codependents are desperate people-pleasers, often motivated by a sense of guilt to stay in a relationship they would be better off exiting. Because they are so desperate for love and affection, they work exceedingly hard to avoid conflict, doing everything they can to keep those around them happy and comfortable—no matter the personal cost.
On the rare occasion that they do try to leave, the codependent person experiences an overwhelming attack of guilt, falling into the shadow of misplaced responsibility and taking on and internalizing the errors of those around them (thus nobly eliminating the suffering of those they love, but not their own).
Even when they see that they aren’t the root cause of the problem, they still worry that others will blame them. They take on the shame and guilt before someone can cast it on them. The codependent person lives in constant fear of judgment, scolding, or just plain shame, so they live their lives at the behest of others, avoiding the guilt that was never theirs in the first place.
The addicted or narcissistic partner can see this conflict and sense of guilt from a mile away and will use it — frequently — to get the upper hand on / take advantage of their partner. That feeling of doing something wrong can incredibly damage the people pleaser. It’s important to notice the triggers and stop the guilt before it can undermine your sense of self.
#8- Feeling ashamed.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family teaches you to keep the darkest secrets of the people around you in a way that causes you to internalize that shame. For those of us who grew up in the midst of emotional chaos, keeping secrets was a matter of survival, and that guilt and that shame never go away, no matter how old you get or how far you might run.
Shame makes it hard to ask for help, so the codependent person often finds themselves in a negative feedback loop of isolation and hopelessness. Being unable to speak honestly and openly about their feelings, they cannot validate the dangers in their environment and, therefor, are unable to see that it is not themselves who is internally flawTor to break free of toxic relationships, it’s necessary to reach out and break the code of silence that permeates dangerous partnerships. Codependent people are often too afraid to let other people know how badly they are being treated (thanks to their unqualified sense of shame), but that’s the first step in getting help and getting free of the hellish pain of codependency.
How to Address Codependency
The Next Step is the second of two support groups currently part of Women Empowering Women. Our CoDA group link to the Zoom meeting is on our website at codawew.org. Take the first step with CODA, work the program, and find a sponsor.
This next part is key because codependency is such a long-standing and deep-rooted issue that it often takes the help of a mental health professional to overcome. These professionals can help us safely explore the childhood issues related to our view of relationships and also help us identify self-defeating patterns that keep us chained to relationships that no longer serve us or the journey we’re making.
If you or someone you know is experiencing the signs of a codependent relationship (or personality), it might be time to talk to someone, but no one but the parties involved can make that decision. Codependency treatment is a powerful tool that focuses on helping patients get in touch with the feelings that they’ve buried deep down within, but they have to be open to that work and ready to make the changes that come along with it.
How to Avoid Codependent Relationships
While undoing the intricate knots of our codependent hang-ups might be a process that takes time and a medical professional, steering clear of these unhealthy relationship patterns is not. You can avoid falling into the trap of a codependent relationship by knowing the signs ahead of time and reaffirming your ideals and sense of self around these five ideas:
#1-Settle for nothing less than what you want *and* what you deserve.
Even in that honeymoon phase or that exciting period after making a new friend, don’t overlook or minimize comments or behaviors that put you on edge or make you feel “less than.” Demeaning or disrespectful behaviors are a warning sign at any stage in a relationship, and it's a clear indication to steer clear. Healthy relationships are ones in which we are valued for who we are, at all times. So, if you’re feeling disrespected or dismissed, walk away before you get in too deep.
#2-Refuse to give yourself away.
If you lean toward " people-pleasing,” it’s important to remain conscious at all times of your tendency to overcompensate. Don’t work harder than you should have to impress someone, and don’t give yourself away in exchange for being liked or loved. If someone loves you, they will love you regardless of who you are or how you are. Refuse to give yourself away and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.
#3- Be mindful of your boundaries (and stick to them).
Before starting any new relationship — be it friendship or romance — it’s essential to know your responsibilities and their responsibilities. Be as straightforward as possible about your boundaries, and encourage them to be clear about theirs. You don’t owe anyone any piece of your private self. Draw the boundary lines and stick to them from the first jump.
#4-Value your body and your spirit.
We live in a culture where sexual contact often seems like a recreational pastime, but it’s important to remember that our bodies are our own and are not owed (in any way) to the people in our lives. Our bodies are not only our responsibilities but also critical components of our boundaries. Treat your body as an extension of your soul, and love them both, and you’ll find that you can access a deep-rooted power in yourself that you didn’t even know existed.
#5-Accept and live within your limitations.
While we like to live our lives as though we have no limits, that isn’t the case. To avoid the trap of codependency, it’s essential to accept and live within our limitations. By doing this, we can prevent relationships that constantly push us to the edge and start living a life that is authentically our own and filled with peace, light, and joy. The secret to life isn’t our romantic relationships or friendships — it’s learning to live within the lines that define you.
In Closing...
Codependency is a complex set of behaviors and beliefs that can make it hard to escape damaging and toxic relationships. Those who are codependent often cling to unhealthy and dangerous people because of a long rap sheet of childhood traumas that keeps them stuck, scared, and internalizing the abhorrent behaviors of the people around them — making it impossible to simply “walk away.”
Understanding codependency is the only way to heal, but that takes time, and it often takes the help of a mental health professional. When we overcome our need to please, we can overcome the pain of our pasts, but we have to accept ourselves and our reality radically and unashamedly.
Everyone has a past and everyone has been hurt. The real trick to life is learning how to overcome that hurt in order to create the existence you’ve always deserved.